Mary’s story

Hello I’m calling myself Mary, that’s not my real name. I don’t want to share my real name because I don’t want my husband to ever see I’m doing well.

That sounds like an awful thing to say but every time I’m doing well it makes him angry and when he is angry he takes it out on me financially, and when he takes it out on me financially that means I have to work harder and I get to spend less time with our four year old daughter.

I know this platform isn’t to complain about our ex’s, but perhaps some men could read this and realise that when you punish us or control us with money, it directly affects your children. Putting Mum under stress equals stress for your child.

So my husband, we are technically still married isn’t a bad guy, not a bad guy at all. He is however an idiot who just continued to behave like a single guy even when we were married with a child, so l left. It broke my heart but I lost count of the number of times he would just return home in the middle of the night drunk or high and I had enough.

I think it kinda broke him really and this is where the financial control comes from, it’s the only way he still has any control over me and it’s messed up because we didn’t have much to start with and now it’s even less because its split between two households and Covid has been rough for me because I lost my mum and my gran.

But in the middle of all this I’ve somehow managed to fall in love and I have been dying to tell someone so when I saw your Instagram page I decided to tell my story.

It’s very new but for the first time ever I feel like the person I am really with sees me, but I don’t know if that’s because I’m now with a woman for the first time, yes I have fallen in love with a woman!

So in this day and age I know it is considered normal to be whatever you want to be; Bi, Gay, Trans, Non Binary, we can be who we want and love who we want. But I have always been straight only ever been with guys and this feels new and strange, but oh my god it feels so good.

I think the best thing is and this is what I really want to share, that she lets me be the best version of myself and the best ‘mother’ version of myself.

When I was with my husband I always felt that he was more important than me, he was a big personality and people noticed him more than they noticed me, it was like I was his support act or warm up man. It was my job to look after the home, cook, clean, make things nice and look after our daughter.

Even in this day and age I felt the pressure to fulfil that role, I know that sounds silly but I did and that’s how it happened.

When I left him, and I feel so bad for saying this, but when I left him it’s like a whole new world opened up to me. Firstly there was the joy of sleeping through the night without worrying he would come in hammered at some point and wake us all up. This caused me so much stress as I never wanted to be that nagging wife and I did love him but oh my god I had no idea how much of an impact this was having on me all the time. It’s like I was constantly in that anxious place where I was waiting for something to go wrong and that spilled out into every aspect of my life. I became so nervous as I was always on edge that when I lost my part time job I was relieved that I could just stay at home and be with my daughter. When he wasn’t at home at night every tiny little noise would wake me up, and it wasn’t that he was ever nasty when he came in, but sometimes he did want to have sex and in the end I realised I was doing it just to keep him happy. That sounds awful but I think lots of women do this. Just have sex with them to keep them quiet and then he’ll go to sleep and everything will be fine.

So I know it sounds bad but here’s the thing I didn’t understand how unhappy I was until I left and then somehow one night I ended up kissing a women in a bar. One night I just thought ‘fuck it’ and I went out. This is the night I met my now girlfriend.

I am not saying that everyone should try this, but I wish I had sooner and I feel so lucky to live in a time when people don’t judge you for your sexuality. I guess looking back now I probably always liked women but didn’t want to be ‘different’ and my mum and dad are pretty traditional so it was never even thought about.

Of course this is still so secret, not only will my ex not want me to be happy, as I said, but her will go mad I’m with a woman, but the great thing is she gets it.

For the first time ever I feel properly ‘heard’ in a relationship and that is a revelation for me. Although we are still behind closed doors there is no expectation that I will cook or clean or be made to feel I have to have sex with her. She is interested in my thoughts, my feelings and hopes and dreams for the future. I am being listened to in an emotional way and that is new.

So when I found your Instagram I wanted to share my story because I want other women out there to know that you can be happy and move on, but maybe there is an option that is completely different to what you are used to.

I am not saying everyone should try something different I am saying be open to things. I think that I was so unhappy for so long and I didn’t even realise and it was only when it ended and I started something healthy that I realised how bad it was. You get stuck and then leaving is hard, especially when you have a child.

My girlfriend, sounds so funny, is now encouraging me to go back to college. I am thinking about learning how to chef, I don’t think this would have ever happened before.

Point is; man, woman, non-gender, whatever really, find someone who makes you happy and encourages you to be the best version of yourself.

I love ‘Rise of The Single Mother’ and I hope by sharing my story more of you maybe realise you can be happy too!