Vanessa’s Story

I was married for 10 years when I realized that I was done. It was the day after a major hurricane hit Miami, FL (where we live). As of late, my husband at the time, was having a hard time controlling his anger and would express his rage by screaming and belittling me, even when the kids were nearby. 

The littlest things, like not doing laundry, would set him off. 

His best friend had recently died and I figured he was going through some kind of depression, so I suggested he get therapy and we get couples counseling. 

He never pursued therapy for himself, but we did couples counseling. I thought it was  working for a little while, but his uncontrollable anger would keep coming back and the ones who paid the price, were my children (both were under 10 yrs old at the time) and I. 

So, the day after this major hurricane, we were left without electricity, with two small kids and my mom in tow. We went to get something to eat at the nearest Chinese restaurant that was smart enough to have a generator and was serving a line of people. My littlest kid, who was 2’years’old at the time, had spilled something in his dad’s car, so I quickly got a wipe to clean it up because I knew how much he hated having his car dirty. I went looking for a trash can, but of course, they had all been put away in preparation of the hurricane. 

When we got home, I had forgotten about the wipe that I had left on my side door of the car and I rushed into the house to get everyone’s plate ready so that we could eat and finally head out to what would become a 10-hour-drive to find an inn that had electricity and availability. 

As the kids, my mom and I were at the table, he comes in, wipe in hand and continues on to berate me, using language I would rather not write on here. 

In my mind, it was the day after a hurricane, we had no electricity, two small kids to take care of and he is berating me in front of everybody about a wipe in his car!  That was the moment that would define the next chapter in my life. I knew I was done. I knew my children were watching and I knew I didn’t want this as the example of what a marriage looks like.

I had to wait for three weeks before I could tell him that I was done and that I wanted to separate. 

It was a week before we had electricity back home and then my dad was visiting from Peru for two weeks.

I was genuinely afraid of telling him because of what his reaction would be, so I decided to write a thought out letter letting him know where I stood. I knew I was making the right choice and I didn’t and still don’t doubt that for a minute. 

His pettiness and anger were on full display throughout our separation. You know what they say, you don’t know who you married until you get divorced. 

 I wanted to give my kids something I didn’t have as a child, a chance at a happy childhood where their good time memories outweigh their bad ones.

Life is already hard enough as we get older and if we can find more peace and joy in our lives, then sometimes we have to make hard decisions to get there. It certainly isn’t easy; my ex-husband had a very high ranking corporate bank job in New York City and I had assets of my own. I never had to worry financially. During the divorce process is when I learned what financial distress was. I was homeless for a while with shared custody of my two little kids. I forgot to mention, during this time my mom was also diagnosed with Alzheimers.

At this point, my mental health took a plunge. I had given up a career as a journalist when my kids were born and finding a job after being out of the workforce for almost 10 years, was challenging to say the least. This is when I decided to start freelancing and start my own website chronicling what I’ve learned on this journey. When you make big life decisions, there will always be challenges, but as I see it, the positives will usually outweigh the negatives.

I now finally bought my own home, where my kids and I have endless movie nights, dance parties, family dinners, all without the worry that papi is going to be screaming or getting mad about something. I met someone who accepts me, appreciates me and intends to make my mental health a place of well being. Now, we have peace and that is invaluable.

You can find out more about Vanessa on her website and Blog: www.singlemomstartingover.com