Myken’s story
Myken and I have been friends for about 30 years. We met in Goa, India. We’ve been through so much together, she was even one of my bridesmaids and is one of my daughter’s Godmothers. She is from New Zealand and a few years ago moved back there. I am so happy to have her story and tips.
Myken’s story.
My long-time friend Laura told me she was starting a platform for people who are single parents where they could share their stories. Only this week I have a new clanger to add to the list of ‘how do I deal with this moment’…??
So, my 8-year-old daughter asked if she could wake up at her dad’s place and not mine for her 9th birthday next week. The reasons were vague and I know she doesn't favour him more, but it still hurt me and she could see that and then blamed me for making her feel bad. Then we had to get permission from Dad for the change and he accused me of wanting to go out and party rather than be with my daughter…. JOY all around!
5 years ago, or even 2 years ago if she had asked this I would have gone into a massive tail spin of despair wondering why my daughter wants to do this. I would have been freaked out by ex-husbands comments and gone into a hole.
I’ve learnt it’s ok to go through the pain, that it will go away, we learn how to manage things differently and see the light in the times we are without our beloved and understand for the child it’s also a minefield of pleasing 2 very different parents.
At the beginning of 2021 I was on a plane flying back from an epic New Years and I had been told a story about a lady whose partner had left her and what she was going through. Something inside me snapped and I thought about all the shitty stuff I’d been through and how little information and support there is out there for the journey of breakup and single parenting.
For the 1.5 hours of the flight I bashed out my 10 main things that had been big for me on my journey. It's written for a breakup in NZ, as this is my home, and our particular agencies that deal with child support etc. are very different from all other countries, but in general it’s all about how best prepare in every way for a breakup and some of the unexpected parts of the journey.
So here we go, Myken’s Top tips for divorce, KIWI style!
10 tips for divorce in NZ. Originally this was posted on my Facebook page.
I thought long and hard about this post because it means I’m putting myself out there for some major criticism and judgement. BUT 5 years ago when I was desperate to make some changes, I felt like I had no tools or support. These tips would have helped hugely. If I can help someone in that space get their shit together. Then I’m happy xx
1. Generally woman have left the building way before they decide it’s time to call it. Use this time to make sure your affairs are in order. Don’t announce/ do anything until you know you can sort yourself. Don’t change your job to ensure you have something regular in your life. Be BRAVE. This is huge!!
2. Affairs in order. Make sure everything you need is in your name. Phone, email, car, insurance, car park etc. The more the better. It’s very uncomfortable having to get PERMISSION from your ex post breakup to have a name change the basics and can take multiple HOURS on hold on the phone. This would apply to all affairs of importance.
3. Money. Try and save some money or squirrel it away so you have something when you leave. Pay outs and managing a normal life can be very tricky while everything is being sorted. Or you may find you have no money. Now that’s fun!! Be smart. Everyone needs money. Find out what you actually have and if you don’t. Well this could be a good time to get sneaky for your future.
4. Never leave the house unless your name is on the ownership papers. The moment you walk out the door. The locks can be changed and you have no rights to go back. Even to collect personal belongings. This is heart-breaking for desperate people wanting to get out. If you are unsafe there are resources to help. In NZ there is Living without violence.
5. If you live in NZ and go on a benefit. My advice is forfeit $20 a week and this means they won’t share your information with IRD. If they do share they will hassle both you and your ex for child support etc. and they will KEEP ON HASSLING. Not ideal when the ex calls up cos he is being hassled. Work and income will NOT suggest this. I’m just warning from experience. It ended up I got the child support bill cos I was the major bread winner the year before. But I was the one renting a house on the benefit and broke... go figure!!!
There is an update from and expert Amelia Lawley in the comments about this point.
6. Don’t slag them off. It doesn’t help and it’s very unhealthy for children. We all know water finds it balance. People will work everything out for themselves and it makes people uncomfortable. Slag them off in your head and remember we are our thoughts. So, get over it ASAP.
7. Tell your friends you don’t want them to take sides in the breakup. If they take your partners side after that request. Then they probably were never real friends and the universe is clearing a path for proper mates.
Keep the cries and the bitching (which will happen) to close friends who can handle it. There will be very few who can handle it and they are your FOREVER GOLD!
8. You are not going crazy. Yeah divorce. It’s just like a normal breakup. No. It’s not
Especially with kids in the mix. The mixture of failure, breaking in half, starting again - all of it is overwhelming huge. It was hard enough to just get the courage to leave and then there is SO MUCH TO DEAL WITH and so much pain. Even if you wanted to leave you will go through all 7 stages of death/grief before it feels good again. Hang with core friends and hold on. I found myself doubting everything and texting friends in tears after seeing them as I doubted myself and my headspace constantly. Everyone said I felt sad. I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know who I was.
9. Depression. Having never suffered this illness. I didn’t really know what was going on when I was waking up in the morning wishing I hadn’t woken up. It got to a point where I would wake up hoping it had gone away but it didn’t. I started to meditate again and put myself in that happy place by being conscious of it. It took about 18 months. I never take being a happy person for granted now. My doctor also helped as most of my depression and anxiety stemmed from sharing my child. It’s always worth a chat to your Dr when the emotions are taking over daily life.
10. Divorce and children. Luckily my child doesn’t remember us together. I had advice to leave before she could remember. This was the ONLY advice around divorce that I had as there is very little help on this subject and no one wants to talk about it. That’s partly why I wrote this as it would have change my ENTIRE experience if I had!!!! Children suffer. There is no way out of that feeling that they want their most loved to be together. The best you can do is have a fair sharing arrangement, be nice to one another and try and show your kids you are on the same page - when you clearly are NOT on the same page cos you would probably be married still if you were.
Good luck.
Lastly. If you know someone (sadly it’s usually the lady in the relationship) who is going through a divorce, getting kicked out the house, trying to find money to pay outrageous lawyer bills, suddenly unable to have a drink with you or suddenly on a benefit. Reach out. Don’t turn your back. It’s hard enough having life upturned and literally changed overnight. You still need your friends and support network. Divorcees don’t have leprosy they are just a bit sad for a while.
The 7 stages of grief
Shock and denial
Pain and guilt
Anger and bargaining
Depression
The upward turn
Reconstruction and working through
Acceptance and hope.
*these can appear in any order.