Caroline’s story

My ears ringing and heart pounding I left my home and my beloved furniture, bar one sofa, packed what I had owned 20 years before and all my clothes etc, leaving jewellery in the family safe trusting, erroneously, that I would be able to come and get anything that I had forgotten in my hasty departure at a later date, after all it was our family home wasn’t it?

You see I had been waiting, waiting, waiting and waiting for my husband to move out himself, which he had promised to do on numerous occasions, however after just over 18 months since I had said I wanted a divorce, and that things were finally over, I had to face the reality that he was never going to leave and was hoping, against all that I was saying, that I would eventually change my mind and take him back. After all, that had been the pattern up until now.

Finally, a house had been made available next door to my mother in a little residence that was managed by some friends who I trusted would make me safe. ‘Safe’, a word that most people connected to home but something I desperately needed as home was no longer a safe haven for me.

I’m not going to go into why I didn’t feel safe in my own home but suffice to say alcohol was involved but no violence, of the physical kind anyway more a barrage of the mind, and general toxic situation. So bad had it become that the local school had picked up on something being amiss and my decision-making was brought into question had I stayed any longer. Shelters were being offered and I knew that it was no longer safe for me to stay. If I wanted to be a good mother, I had to get myself somewhere where I could regain my sense of self and build a healthy loving and nurturing home.

It is astonishing how a grounded, well-educated, well-supported confident woman can find themselves in such a desperate situation, it just sort of sneaks up on you. You think, ‘Well it’s not always like this, he’s only like that sometimes, he doesn’t mean it, poor thing wasn’t loved as a child so I can make up for it and he will get better, it’s not him it’s the drink, it’s because he is bullied at work, it’s because he is stressed, it’s my fault…’

Essentially it is a mixture of all this and more but the only person who can change a situation like this is the person who keeps letting the bad things happen, that was me.

I was facilitating a toxic cycle of abuse where mostly we would party, have a lovely evening, everyone would leave and then he would start with the verbals. Eventually I would stop fighting against it and go to bed but he would carry on downstairs ranting, shamefully sometimes I hid in my children’s room as then I knew he wouldn’t come in and wake me to carry on his monologue.

The next day he would be sorry, I would forgive him - sometimes I would kick him out first but he would always find a way home, he would promise never to do it again I would say ‘the next time it happens its over’ - but it never was and so the cycle would continue. We tried therapy, even Relate but it was no use.

So it’s not really all that surprising that he didn’t believe me when I finally really did mean it was over.

I really did, I had hit that wall. It was like a light had been lit and there was a fire inside me. A beautiful I LOVE ME MORE THAN THIS fire. It shrieked GET ME OUTTA HERE, THIS IS AWFUL. It made me strong, it quelled my fear and gave me a hard, cold resilience. I knew if I did not see this through and leave this situation that my children were in danger of becoming like him, or worse like me. I would not let them think it was normal for anyone to be spoken to in such a manner, they are little people after all and it is my responsibility to ensure that when they are grown-ups in relationships of their own they do not behave in this way. Plus they were not happy, even the school were worried so it was my duty to them to get us somewhere else, somewhere better.

So I moved us all out and started a new life, but I tell you for all my inner fire I was also utterly at a loss as to what the next move was. My priority was to stabilise the children who had suffered terribly while we were living together but apart. They were withdrawn and frightened and distrusting of the whole situation. So I made sure we had a warm, happy and healthy home. We went on walks and watched TV and saw friends, my friends really were amazing, between them and my family I was really very well held up.

Luckily for me, I had lots of women around me who had recently gone through a breakup/divorce and they rallied round with much advice and laughter and encouragement. Also, against what most people told me would happen, my amazing married friends also stood by, gave us a place to stay - making me laugh, cry and generally looking out for us. Sisters and brothers they all made sure I felt supported and gave us a normality to keep us going as a family, and as all their children are growing up with mine it gave a sense of continuity and made us feel lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people.

Don’t get me wrong it is not easy, the Pandemic hasn’t helped either. Although to be honest it gave us as a new family unit a chance to bond and snuggle up in our new surroundings. We did our school projects, baked and watched films. We talked a lot, laughed even more and got bored together, cried and fought and mended like normal people and I had time to forgive myself as no matter what the circumstances, whoever it is who initiates the end of a marriage/relationship, when there are children involved there is guilt.

Soooo much guilt! But then suddenly the veil lifted and the adrenaline that I had been running on subsided and a deep calm came flooding in and I knew it was time. So I rang up the lawyers and started proceedings.

I am nearly there now, not that I am coming out with much, but I will have my head held high, my sanity and my children in a much, much happier place which makes me a happy person.

I have all that I need my children finally in a great school, a little job that is helping me get back on my feet, family and friends around me and a clear idea on what I want to do moving forward. It took grit and determination and a few stern talking to’s by friends who had been where I was to get on with it and stop dragging my feet, and now that I have, that is my advice.

Don’t linger, don’t let guilt or fear cripple you to such an extent that you dare not move on.

MOVE ON - YOU’VE GOT THIS - IT WILL ALL BE OK!!

The longer you leave it the more it will cost you both monetarily and emotionally. Take it from me I tried the slowly slowly approach and I wish I had just got on with it but then again I had to get to where I am now to be ready, I wonder if I had read more of your posts if it would have inspired me to move my story along sooner.

I hope that someone reading this feels the same way and I have somehow helped them!