Ditching the hair shirt

We launch this week, hopefully by Friday and it’s half term so I have a sulky 15-year-old in trackies wandering around the house constantly complaining that there is nothing to eat, even though the fridge is full

So this weekend gone has been big for me. My lovely colleague Melissa (mother of two) has been working tirelessly to get our site up and I cried when I saw it.

We launch this week, hopefully by Friday and it’s half term so I have a sulky 15-year-old in trackies wandering around the house constantly complaining that there is nothing to eat, even though the fridge is full. Also, not overly happy that I woke her up at 10am. It’s GCSE year for my little bunny so it’s important she knuckles down and studies, sometimes the old adage of ‘leading a horse to water’ rings true as I find her staring into the space in front of her, in a world of her own and not looking at the books or computer.

She’s her mother’s daughter alright. I couldn’t tell you the hours I’ve wasted fantasising about things. When I was really broke and living in a cottage the size of a shoe box I used to lie in bed at night looking at expensive properties on Right Move or Prime location, ‘house porn’ I called it.

So, this weekend I showed her our website and she read ‘my story’. I won’t lie I was dreading this and it did not get the response I was expecting. ‘I knew’ she said, ‘I’ve always known, not the details but I remember how heartbroken you were and that you weren’t well, I mean I was too young to understand why, but as I’ve got older and with us talking about mental health through your work, I put the pieces together’. She then went on to tell me that of course she was proud of me and that she loved the website but would like some editorial control over some of the photos I used, well all of the photos I used with her in, fair enough I thought.

It’s funny isn’t it that often as single mothers we think the worst or imagine our kids are somehow deprived because they only have one parent. Somehow, it’s easier to just wear the ‘hair shirt’ than accept we’re doing an amazing job. I can’t tell you the times I’ve worried about my daughter knowing exactly what happened that night or wondered whether doing this site and essentially ‘washing our dirty laundry in public’ was the right decision.

And here’s the thing, it sits easier for me to believe I’m f**king up in some way rather than believe I’m ‘nailing’ it. Now why is that? And do we all feel like that? So, is this societies fault and are we still geared up to want, to expect two parent families? I mean, we are now accepting of same sex families and people having children in many different ways, shapes and forms, thank God, but do we still feel that children are better off with two parents always?

I love my ex-husband; I really do and I’m proud to say that we are good friends and that he from time to time comes and visits us and stays as a guest in our house. Its lovely for my daughter, we get to spend real proper family time together, but after two days we really start to get on each other’s nerves, and he has to leave or I’ll start to wonder what would happen if I repeatedly bashed him over the head with a saucepan. He’s a lovely man really, (not a great husband or father) but at his core not a bad fella at all, however having him to stay is like having that cartoon ‘Tasmanian Devil’ in your house. You know the one, it spun round and spat a lot if memory serves. My ex-husband is like that, he’s adorable but he sort of leaves a trail of mess and chaos in his wake.

This is the worst kind of person for me to live with. I’m the most anally retentive tidy and organised person you will ever meet. I genuinely like staying in to organise sock drawers and alphabetise CD collections. If you move a picture or object, God help you. There’s a place for everything and my rather beautiful house stays so because if you do move something, I’ll immediately move it back. Honestly, I must be a f**king nightmare to live with.

I am not going to go into why my marriage ended, this website is not and never will be a platform on which to bash your ex, what I will say is that my ex are I are wholly incompatible, and this way works, for me and my daughter anyway.

The girl and I work better as a team of two. When hubby and I were still together there were terrible arguments, lots of shouting and slamming of doors. That is not a healthy environment for a child to grow up in.

I never wanted to be a single mother but what I am realising is this is a better childhood for my daughter and that maybe, just maybe, I am giving her the best life possible in a way that I could never have done if I’d stayed with her father my husband. It’s a sad conclusion to come to really. I loved him so much, we had a great life and a truly magical wedding and Honeymoon, but in the end we just clashed too much and I’m grateful for our friendship now but glad we are not together. I really would end up hitting him with a saucepan if we lived together full time.

One of the things that have made this easier for my daughter but harder for me was the age she was when we split. She was 2. Bringing up a 2-year-old on your own was very tough but the joy I take in seeing her grow into this amazing young woman really validates me as a single mother.

So, this is the reason I started this site. So we could big each other up a bit.

Send me your stories now and let’s see how you manage being a single mother, or father!