Dating

Where to start with this?…

I could literally write a tome the size of the old telephone directory, oh that ages me, okay okay, I’m fifty bloody six but I look amazing mostly due to some fantastic genes (ta Mater) and a very skilled woman called Jo who every now and then freezes my visog with Botulism.

So I look good, I have a terrific head of hair and a nice sexy, curvy body, or if I’m feeling negative about myself an arse the size of Brazil (strangely fashionable these days) and tits so big one friend calls me ‘comedy’, as in they’re so large they’re my ‘comedy’ breasts.

Self-deprecation aside I’m pretty hot for 56. I work out, do yoga, I take care of myself. I am also funny, kind and a very successful therapist earning six figures. I am in all respects these days an attractive, successful human being. So why am I single?

Well I can be intimidating, I can burp the alphabet after all, that talent aside though I think what makes me intimidating is partly my success, and particularly that I work as a Couples & Sex therapist as well as an individual therapist.

So, I have dated a bit on the internet, I made two really great male friends and had some fun dates so on the whole I cannot complain about my experience. I haven’t met Prince Charming yet but nor have I met Shrek. I remain, as with most things, cautiously optimistic.

Since I haven’t been asked to smell a hankie doused in Chloroform next to a white panel van by a 4 foot troglodyte (so far) I feel I’m in a reasonable position to give my ‘top tips’ and a bit of dating advice. Do as I say not as I do in this respect!

So here goes, my top tips for successful badass single mum (or dad) dating, avoiding ending up under someone’s patio:

1. Stay safe.

This is numero uno for a reason and when I say ‘stay safe’ I don’t mean ‘rubber up’ although obviously you should do that too especially if you’re still fertile and your ovaries aren’t as dry as the Gobi Desert.

Some people are NOT what they seem. So don’t go and arrange to meet Dave in a layby somewhere in the middle of butt f@%k nowhere. Meet somewhere where there are other people, tell your friends where you are going, who you are meeting and if at all possible, and I’m a big fan of this, do a little ‘light stalking’ on your date beforehand. These days you can find out almost anything on the web thingy, so check out who you’re meeting and inform some friends. The internet does not create dodgy people, it just sometimes presents a nice easy platform for them to use.

2. Be honest.

Now when I say this I mean about all the important obvious stuff like your height, weight, general overall look. If you say you look like Gisele Bundchen when in fact you look like Miss Piggy you’re screwed. and not in the way you want to be!

Nothing is more disappointing as a woman to go on your first date thinking you’re going to meet Ross Poldark but in fact are met by a Hobbit. Just as we don’t like it when they do it us, they don’t like it when we do it to them.

It’s a harsh reality of life that even in these liberal and inclusive times a lot is still based on how we look and many of the internet dating sites, certainly the ‘swipey swipey’ ones, are entirely about looks, to start with.

This being the case put photos up that actually look like you not like you 20 years and 20 pounds lighter. Post nice pictures, but make sure they are representative of how you look now and keep your kids, small dogs, fish you’ve caught and drugged up tigers out of them.

Smile, show your best side and don’t be wearing sunglasses in every photo, unless you’re Stevie Wonder.

3. Write an honest and current bio.

For instance, and I know these are strange times, but don’t say you love ‘travel’ if the only place you’ve been in the last ten years is Skegness. Everyone loves travel, well as long as it’s not to Skegness, but don’t make out it’s an important part of your life if it doesn’t feature in it.

4. Same goes with Yoga, Tennis, Running… blah blah.

If you do these things more than four times a month fine, but if you haven’t done them for 6 months, leave it out. Its ancient history.

5. Manage your expectations.

Or put another way you might have to kiss a lot of frogs. Don’t be down hearted if you don’t meet the ‘one’ straight away sometimes maybe you might have met a great friend rather than a lover and that can also be a result, of a kind.

6. Be Patient.

Don’t get your knickers in a twist if you message someone and they don’t get back to you straight away. You never know what is going on in someone’s life behind closed doors, so give people space and time to get back to you.

7. Don’t put yourself in danger by drinking too much or sleeping with someone on the first date, unless all you want is drunken sex of course.

Even so be careful, if you don’t know the person how do you know how they are going to behave? What if they like to dress up like a Cod fish and throw jelly at you, and you for some insane reason don’t like that? Just remember some people like Marmite, others don’t. Find out who the person is before you wave your private parts at them.

8. Take responsibility for your own sexual health and contraception.

If you do decide to take the plunge. No one wants an unexpected bun in the oven or an itchy fandango.

9. If you’re over 40…

Treat yourself and buy some Spank, I’m going to say no more on this.

10. Speak on the phone first if you can, or facetime.

This is essential for me because certain regional accents sound really gopping to me and would curdle my cream, other regional accents make my thighs ache. Knowing in advance whether hearing the person speak, or worse still murmur your name in a moment of passion would turn your stomach or not, is very useful information indeed.